When ‘What If’ becomes real.
Sometimes Life bites you on the butt. A bit more than a nibble, but not quite on par with a 5-course degustation for Hannibal the Cannibal. Now is one of those times. The fear of recurrence is real. For anyone who has had cancer, ‘What If it comes back’ is not just an emotionally driven fear like ‘What If something bad happens to my loved one at some time in the future’, or ‘What If the next pandemic-inspired Hoarding Games centres around chocolate instead of toilet paper’.
Rather, it is quite rational, based on statistics and facts and real-life case studies that we are all far-too familiar with. I’ve described this before as cancer’s ghost who walks beside me and anyone else who has valid reasons to live each day a little close to the edge of anxiety. It most definitely comes around during routine screening. The word ‘triggering’ doesn’t even begin to cut it, because it’s like seeing your entire cancer experience played in Fast-Forward Repeat mode in some cruel in-between world of night-terrors and full consciousness. All of the fear, the breathlessness, the silence, the disbelief, the inside-voice and outside-voice screaming, the apologies, the hurt, the heroes, the simple acts of kindness and the heartache of disappointments. But for the most part, these scenes are short-lived – they are played out over the days or weeks while we wait for definitive results. And then we eject the tape.
This time, 3 years post-diagnosis, my screening results came back as ‘indeterminate’. A rather unhelpful way for medical specialists to say ‘something’s a bit NQR’ (not quite right). So it’s off for some further exploration. Two more not-so-fun diagnostics eventually led to ‘It’s cancer’. The good news was that it had not yet spread (so no chemo required … #Grateful). But the bad news was that it was high grade, which means those cancer cells were getting ready to start colouring outside the lines ( … #WtF). Who knew I could feel actual joy at the thought of lining up for radiation? But when I consider the alternative (chemotherapy), it’s not hard to feel gratitude setting in for the technology these days that allows for early detection and intervention.
It was also a timely reminder to listen to my body and trust my gut – the 3 weeks of waiting for an answer could easily have had me approaching hysteria. But I had been setting out the boundaries in my head of what was a reasonable upper threshold limit of dramatic conclusions (aka freaking out), knowing that my last screening 12 months ago was completely clear. And that the hormone blocking medications that I’m on would be doing their job preventing a rehash of Cancer vs Jodie Round 1, 2018.
Round 2, 2021, is feeling a little more like I may win on votes, rather than a TKO. So far, it’s been a mixed bag. My first reaction was feeling as though my body had yet again betrayed me. Quickly followed by a guilt-ridden 180-degree-flip in the direction of feeling as though I had instead betrayed my body. What other reason would there be? Somehow the optimal conditions had been created for my body’s cells to start planning a mutiny. And I am the captain of this vessel. Of course, my rational brain (and my psychologist) quickly reminded me that this ridiculous blame game is futile. And it completely misses the point that bad scary things can happen. That sometimes the ‘What If’s actually become our reality. And there’s not a damn thing we can do about it other than choose how we will respond.
So I have been left wondering if cancer came back in some way to remind me that while there is benefit in taking things slower, all the conceptualising of what my world looks like A.C. (After Cancer) hasn’t quite landed. While I have changed priorities and postcodes since Round 1, I may have missed the memo from Life that the trick to all this is not to overcomplicate it too much. It’s far too easy to pay lip-service to eating well, going to bed early, practising self-care, and stopping to smell the jasmine/roses/fresh coffee. I already inherently know where my truth lies. And it’s not in the way that I currently work or my ability to make excuses for not eating my vegies, getting up early for yoga, carving out time to read in the sun, or taking a walk outside to say hello to the trees or the ocean each day.
It’s also a reminder that Life is not about the absence of suffering. Human experience is about being open to change as much as challenge. Each one brings with it an opportunity to evolve, to grow, to rethink our world-view, and to rethink the people & activities that we extend our energy towards. So I’m now contemplating my reply to that memo, with a draft Project Plan attached. The What Ifs are wasted energy. It’s time to move towards What Next. And the only decision-maker that matters is Me.
